Letter to dad

 Out of my mind again.

Cried like shit.

Damn it.

Dunno y the video 婚紗 just popped out from nowhere.

Was just posting a halogen oven onto Marketplace.

Watching the video makes me miss you so much.

I can't believe I was that stupid and didn't notice ur health deteriorate that rapidly. U were so weak that u couldn't even come over to celebrate birthday with me. Stupid me. I thought that's only an excuse. I blamed you for making excuses. I hated u.

That Christmas eve, I accompanied you to Union Hospital in Tai Wai. I still remember what the dr said, every single word. He said you had 心臟衰竭、腦水腫、肺積水. He asked y we didn't notice that your legs got swollen. He asked y we didn't send u to hospital when u coughed so badly that u couldn't even sleep well. He said u needed an operation right away. He said it took around 0.5 million dollars for the first month at least. Recovery is by no means in sight. High possibility that u may die even after operations.

I was gambling hard. Got less than 0.2 million dollars in account. Sis got even less. She just got married. Mom never worked. I couldn't afford the medical expenses.

U were sent to Prince of Wales Hospital afterwards. There u left us on Jan 15. 

If I had had listened to u, I wouldn't have got married with Tony whom you disliked from the bottom of your heart. I wouldn't have had gambled and lost a fortune. I thought my job was stable and with 48K a month, gambling was just a means to relieve pressure.

But if I had had enough money when you needed most, I could have had saved you.

You know what? Now my bf is even worse. Tony was at least an engineer. Now my bf is a cook, a smoker and he gambled on CBBCs too. But he cares me and I'm too tired to meet up and date. Never easy to adapt to another guy. You know I'm introverted.

I paid the down payment of our home. Not sure if he'd pay the rest. I hv no crystal ball. Not even sure if we hv a future. Maybe I end up hv nth but debt again. Remember Tony? He's living with Carol in the house I paid and built. Using the furniture I designed and purchased. I still miss my chandelier. Is the history going to repeat itself?

Btw, last Tue, my bf went to the hospital with me. Seems he genuinely wants to hv a baby with me. But I'm still too weak. Serious diarrhea again every time after taking the herbal medicine and simply 八珍湯. My dr. said I'm worrying too much. And working too hard. But come on. I'm working 3 hrs a day, 5 days a week. Pressure, comes mainly from myself, not from the surrounding environment. Considered IVF too. But that's too pricey. Still making ends meet. Dun wanna make such a big expense. And IVF only works when I'm healthy enough too. That's sth like mission impossible.

Dad, I've been doing a lot of reading now, learning investment. But from time to time, I can't help wondering if I'm too money-oriented. I don't wanna "窮得只剩下錢". But the fact is: I'm not really investing. I'm more like gambling again. Short-sighted, placing bets on this and that stock. See whether it goes up or down. I was taught to despise money, to believe in the God, to donate and help the poor, to teach students money is evil and we ought to uphold justice and wisdom. But look at what he had done to me. I don't believe Him anymore. God won't love me anymore. So I don't even go to church now. On Sundays, I give tutorials instead. Seeing and thinking what I've been doing recently seems so untypical me. Am I doing the right thing?

Dad, I miss you. Take gd care of yourself. We'll meet sooner or later. I love you. Hope everything's fine on your side. Kisses and hugs.

P.S.

Sis has finally quitted her job and left the company she's been working for over 20 years. Leaving her first company must be tough for her. From a receptionist, to a therapist, a trainer, a manager, a senior manager. She has paid such a great effort and her job has been the only life goal. Now she is so disappointed with the company and desperate for a change. Hope everything goes smoothly 🙏. Dad, no worries. We'll always support each other.